1. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
2. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
3. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
4. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
5. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
6. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
7. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
8. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
9. No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.
10. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
11. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
12. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos and perky silicone filled breasts? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
13. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
14. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.