Sunday, 28 October 2007

Russell Watson

As someone who has had two brain tumours removed, I was very sorry to hear that the classical tenor Russell Watson is in hospital after an emergency operation to removed a benign brain tumour. He is "in good spirits" after the five-hour operation. The tumour was pressing on his optical nerve and would "almost certainly" have ruined his sight had it been left any longer. He had been developing severe headaches and impaired vision.

The tumour, called a pituitary adenoma, was removed through Watson's nose. "They had to be very careful the way they did it, because of his vocal cords, we had to ensure that there'd be no damage," said his spokeswoman.

"Russell wishes to pay his sincere thanks and appreciation to the entire medical team at St George's Hospital who successfully carried out the operation," she said.
"He is obviously very relieved that the operation has been a success and is in good spirits. He is now resting and we are told by the doctor he will make a complete recovery," she added.

Russell Watson is one of my favourite singers.
Russell Watson on amazon

Some One-liner Jokes

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I went to the local video shop and I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, "The History of Glue". I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today. I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He replied, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar". I said "Well, I've been on telly but I'm no Robbie Williams.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

Saturday, 6 October 2007

Speaking the Queen's English

Speaking English with accents, dialects, dropping the 'h' and 't' all seem to be the norm these days - unfortunately.

I do not claim to speak with a plum in my mouth, far from it, but I do appreciate English spoken well. Poshly, some would say.

I was therefore amused to see the elocution lessons on this year's Big Brother. The housemates had to read lists of words, many of which are of French origin eg.
Chablis, dauphinois, croquet, canap├ęs, rendez-vous, au pair, faux pas, cloche and some names which are not obvious eg Shrewsbury, Waldegrave, Fenwich, Chomlendely, Bicester, Leicester, St John, Cockburn and Featherstonhaugh.

They also had to practice their 'h's in:
"In Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly happen" and the old favourite,
"The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plane".

It is not very PC to say so but I am all for it.

Friday, 5 October 2007

IQ Test On-line

I was invited to take an IQ test online when I was on Facebook. Here are the results:

"Your IQ score is 124.
This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.

Your Intellectual Type is Visual Mathematician. This means you are gifted at spotting patterns — both in pictures and in numbers. These talents combined with your overall high intelligence make you good at understanding the big picture, which is why people trust your instincts and turn to you for direction — especially in the workplace."

I then had the option to download a full 15 page report and a 7 days trial membership with tests such as The Brain Test, The Career Makeover, Is Your Coworker Crazy?, The Social Networking Test and What's Your Summer Dream Job?

It's all a bit of fun.

You can take the tests here.

Thursday, 4 October 2007

Cows Around the World

I just received this tongue-in-cheek summary of international business in an email.

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows; you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and execute the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have one. No-one believes you, so they bomb you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy... .

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The Government says you have to buy a licence to milk them, but first you have to do a risk assessment, which only the government Quango is allowed to carry out. They charge you 5 times the cost of doing it. They find that the three legged stool is a risk under health and safety. You have to buy the EC approved 5 legged stool that is designed to support a milk
maid of up to 250 kilos. It is too heavy to carry. The stool exceeds EC weight lifting limits for workers by 4 kilos, which just happens to be the weight of the fifth leg. To shift the stool from one cow to the other you therefore need a special (EC approved) trolley. The new stool and trolley are so expensive that you have to mortgage one of the cows to pay for them and pay for the mandatory training course
you must take to get your licence to milk the cows. You sell your milk to the supermarket chain that pays you next to nothing for it and then they sell it to their customers for four times what they paid you. Then they release a press statement about how wonderful they are to support British Cows. The rest of the world thinks your cows are mad but you and your cows know that it is not true and
Anyway the rest of the world, have no intention of identifying and counting their mad cows so people in other countries don't know their cows are really, really barmy do they. You sell your cows to a Polish Migrant worker and your farm to a Russian 'investment bank' and then you leave to buy a villa by the sea in a country where it is sunny and the cost of milk is a tenth the cost of milk at home. They
don't have a National Health Service..... ..but you are so happy and relaxed your health improves and you live to be 100.