A Rhyme To Remember English Monarchs

These are little rhymes to try to fix historical dates in one’s mind. They make no pretence to poetry. They are purely practical. They are mainly in sequence of date, and are mostly concerned with English/British history.

English / British Historical Doggerel by Dr. Donald Stevens


The Celts were first, the Romans next,
The Saxons then by Danes were vexed.
Then Danes not long, then Normans came,
But England kept its Saxon name.

-- o0o --

King Will-i-am of Normandy,
The sons he had were only three,
Robert, Red William, and Henry One,
Came Henry Two when they were done.
Robert, he stayed in Normandy,
And never England’s King was he.

-- o0o --

In the Forest that’s New
Rufus the King, someone slew
(We don’t know who);
In one and one and nought and nought,
And Henry One to the throne was brought.

-- o0o --

(William Rufus, the Red William in the preceding rhyme,
shot by an arrow in the New Forest, in 1100.)

-- o0o --

In ten ninety-nine, Crusaders go,
Godfrey of Bouillon at the head of them,
To attack and vanquish every foe
And take by force Jerusalem.

-- o0o --

Eleven hundred and thirty-five,
Henry One is not alive.
Stephen says that he is King.
Matilda says another thing;
“If nephew Stephen had never been,”
Said she, “Then I would be the Queen.”
As both of them felt rather sore,
They decided to have a Civil War.

-- o0o --

(Stephen was the nephew of Henry I)

-- o0o --

Eleven hundred and fifty-four,
Stephen the King, he was no more,
When he was definitely dead,
Henry the Second was King instead.

-- o0o --

Hen. Two wedded Eleanor of Aquitaine,
By this the half of France to gain.

-- o0o --

(Hen. = Henry, of course)

-- o0o --

Richard, the King with the Lion’s Heart,
Decided quite early to depart
To fight the Muslims and conquer them,
And so retake Jerusalem.

-- o0o --

John, son of Henry and Eleanor,
Was disliked by the Pope and many more;
The Magna Carta in twelve fifteen,
Because the Barons were very keen,
Was signed reluctantly by John
The Island of Runnymede upon.

-- o0o --

Ned One was good, Ned Two was not,
Ned Three found he a war had got
A war with France that lasted near
A hundred year.

-- o0o --

(The three Edwards & The Hundred Years’ War)

-- o0o --

Lancaster’s Rose was red,
The Rose of York was white,
Because they couldn’t agree on the colour,
They both decided to fight.

-- o0o --

In one and four and eight and five
Henry Tudor (whose rose was red)
Won at Bosworth, and stayed alive
When Richard of York was certainly dead.

-- o0o --

Two Henrys, followed by poor little Ned,
The Mary and Liz when Ned was dead.

-- o0o --

The Tudors: Henry VII, Henry VIII, Edward VI,
Mary, Elizabeth)

-- o0o --

In fourteen hundred and ninety-two,
Columbus sailed the ocean blue,
He sailed to America from Spain
And then, of course, sailed back again,
And Ferdinand and Isabella
Thought he was a splendid fella.

-- o0o --

Philip the Second of Spain
Caused a lot of pain
By the imposition
Of the Inquisition.

-- o0o --

In fifteen hundred and eighty-eight
The Spanish Armada met its fate.

-- o0o --

Great Liz had neither daughter nor won,
So cousin James from Scotland came,
And a new dynasty was begun,
The Stuarts was its name.

-- o0o --

In one and six and one and one,
The Authorised Version at last was done.
(1611)

-- o0o --

In sixteen hundred and five
All in Parliament alive
Were hoped by rebels soon to die
By being blown into the sky.
(The Gunpowder Plot)

-- o0o --

Jas. and Chas., then Noll and Dick,
Then Chas. and Jas., and Bill came quick.
(James I, Charles I, Oliver Cromwell, Richard Cromwell,
Charles II, James II, who lasted only three years, and was
replaced by William of Orange from Holland)

-- o0o --

James the Second was Charlie Two’s brother,
Because, of course, they had the same mother.
(Henrietta Maria, wife of Charles I)

-- o0o --

Two years when deaths were rather higher:
Sixty-five Plague and Sixty-Six Fire.
(1665, 1666)

-- o0o --

It begins with W and ends with M,
And England was ruled by both of them.
(WilliaM: W = William; M = Mary)

-- o0o --

When the eighteenth century began,
We had a Queen whose name was Anne
She began her reign with Number Two,
But by Fourteen, her reign was through,
And Cousin George came quickly over
From Hanover.
(Anne: 1702-1714)

-- o0o --

Frederick really should have been King.
But he was killed by a silly thing,
Down he went in a fatal fall
Hit on the head by a cricket ball.
So it was that George number Three
Became the King instead of he.

-- o0o --
Source: Homeschool

Shit Happens

Have you seen this poster? It is available from Amazon for £4.99: Humour Posters: Shit Happens - Quotes - 91x61cm









Humour Poster: A funny take on the famous saying 'Shit Happens'; an insiders view on how various religions and ideologies approach the saying; some samples: (1) Protestantism: "Shit happens; Amen to that." (2) Agnosticism: "Can you prove that shit happens." (3) Jehovah's Witness: "Knock, knock, shit happens."

EVERYBODY KNOWS...SHIT HAPPENS

TAOISM - "if you understand shit, it isn't shit"
HINDUISM - "this shit happened before"
CONFUCIANISM - "Confucious say 'shit happens'"
BUDDHISM - "shit will happen to you again"
ZEN - "what is the sound of shit happening?"
ISLAM - "if shit happens, it is the will of Allah"
SIKHISM - "leave our shit alone"
JEHOVA'S WITNESS - "knock. knock. shit happens"
ATHEISM - "i don't believe this shit"
AGNOSTICISM - "can you prove that shit happpens?"
CATHOLICISM - "if shit happens, you deserve it"
PROTESTANTISM - "shit happens, amen to that"
JUDAISM - "why does shit always happen to us?"
ORTHODOX JUDAISM - "so shit happens, already"
TELEVANGELISM - "send money or shit will happen to you"
RASTAFARIANISM - "let's smoke this shit"
HARE KRISHNA - "shit happens rama rama"
NATION OF ISLAM - "don't take no shit"
NEW AGE - "visualize shit happening"
SHINTOISM - "you inherit shit of your ancestors"
HEDONISM - "i love it when shit happens"
SATANISM - "sneppah tihs"
CAPITALISM - "this is MY shit"
FEMINISM - "men are shit"
EXISTENTIALISM - "what is shit, anyway?"
SCIENTOLOGY - "if shit happens, see Dianetics p.137"
MORMONISM - "excrement happens" (don't say shit)
BAPTISM - "we'll wash the shit right off you"
MYSTICISM - "this is really weird shit"
VOODOO - "shit doesn't just happen - we made it happen"
DISNEYISM - "bad shit doesn't happen here"
COMMUNISM - "let's share the shit"
MARXISM - "you have nothing to lose but your shit"
CONSPIRACY THEORISM - "THEY shit on us!"
PSYCHO-ANALYSIS - "tell me about your shit"
DARWINISM - "survival of the shittiest"
AMISH - "modern shit is useless"
SUICIDAL - "i've had enough of this shit"
OPTIMISM - "shit won't happen to me"
TREKISM - "to boldly shit where no-one has shat before"
SHAKESPEAREAN - "to shit or not to shit, that is the question"
DESCARTES - "i shit, therefore i am"
FREUD - "shit is a phallic symbol"
LAWYERS - "for enough money, I can get you out of shit"
ACUPUNCTURIST - "hold still or this shit's gonna hurt"
DOG - "i just shit in your shoe"
CAT - "dogs are shit"
MOUSE - "oh shit! a cat!"
POLITICALLY CORRECT - "internally processed,
nutritionally drained, biological output happens"
EINSTEIN - "shit is relative"
FAMILY GATHERING - "relatives are shit"
MATERIALISM - "whoever dies with the most shit, wins"
VEGETARIANISM - "if it shits, don't eat it"
FATALISM - "oh shit, it's going to happen"
ENVIRONMENTALISM - "shit is biodegradable"
AMERICANISM - "who gives a shit?"
STATISTICIAN - "shit is 84.7% likely to happen"
HIP-HOP - "motherfuck this shiznit, beeatch!"
TANTRISM - "fuck this shit"
CYNICISM - "we are all full of shit"
SURREALISM - "fish happens"
WICCA - "you can make shit happen but shit will happen to you three times"