Joke: A Christmas Divorce

An elderly man in Perth calls his son in Sydney and says, 'I hate to ruin your Christmas, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting divorced; 35 years of misery is enough.' 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. 'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in England and tell her,' and he hangs up.

In a panic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.' She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there on Friday. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up and turns to his wife.

'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.'

Three Amazing Photos from Dubai

Three amazing photos from Dubai.



Apparently the building is so tall that you can see above the clouds and even the curvature of the earth from the top.

A POEM ABOUT OUR GIRLFRIENDS

Someone will always be prettier.
Some will always be smarter.
Some of their houses will be bigger.
Some will drive a better car, their children will do better in school and their husband will fix more things around the house.

So let it go and love you and your circumstances.

Think about it, the prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her Heart...
And the most highly favoured woman on your job may be unable to have children

And the richest woman you know has the car, the house, the clothes ~ but might be lonely. . .
and the word says, ' If I have not Love, I am nothing. '

So, again, love you. Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say, ' I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed, to be disappointed! '
'Winners make things happen~ Losers let things happen'

Be 'blessed' ladies ~ and pass this on to encourage another beautiful woman.
To the world you might be one person,but to one person, you might be the world!

His and Hers Poems

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who wants to listen all day long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs for more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs

Who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me hunting and fishing.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Getting Old Jokes

A family of three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94 year old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: 'You used to hold my hand when we were courting.' Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: 'Then you used to kiss me.' Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: 'Then you used to bite my neck.' Angrily, he threw back the bed sheets and got out of bed. 'Where are you going?' she asked. 'To get my teeth!'

I Can Hear Just Fine

Three retired men, each with hearing loss but too vain to wear a hearing aid, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

Watever You Give a Woman, She Will Make Greater

Quote Of The Week

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

All Toys & Games VAT-free From 8 January

All toys and games will be on offer VAT-FREE from 8 January to 22 January 2009 at thetoyshop.com which is The Entertainer online. The Entertainer is the largest independent retailer of toys in the UK, with over 25 years offline and 8 years online experience.





Micro Scalextric Street Mayhem - Was £59.99 Then £29.99 You Pay £26.09


Video Creation Station - Was £99.99 Then £19.99 You Pay £17.39


Speed Stacks Glow In The Dark - Was £29.99 Then £14.99 You Pay £13.04


Please note From 8 January 9am until 22nd January, the price customers pay is the price of the item before VAT was added. It is not the current item price minus 15%. The VAT Free discount actually equates to 13% of the current value. All prices on TheToyShop.com show this 13% reduction, so to qualify for the discount customers need to browse and purchase as normal. This promotion excludes Nintendo products.

10 Essentials for Success

Publisher and Editorial Director of SUCCESS magazine, Darren Hardy, offers the following advice on how to make 2009 your best year ever:

1. Decide to be Successful – Success is not a dream, hope or fantasy; it is a decision. Make the decision to change, improve and act on your ambitions.

2. Design your Best Year Yet – As an architect would design a skyscraper, write out the goals, plans and actions it will take to achieve the life you want to live.

3. Identify Your Passion - What are your unique interests, talents and gifts? Passion attracts success. Find what you love to do - you will never “work” again.

4. Program Yourself for Success – You will see, perceive, expect and create what you think about. To program your mind for success – read watch and listen to materials that will support your success.

5. Surround Yourself with Success - You are the combined average of the five people you hang around the most. Surround yourself with healthy, success-minded achievers.

6. Model Success - The best way to learn to be successful at anything is to find someone who is where you want to be and model their success habits.

7. Master the Fundamentals – Don’t complicate it. About a half a dozen things make up 90%+ of what it takes to be successful at anything. Keep it simple.

8. Get Fit - The mind cannot achieve what the body cannot perform. Your family, friends and career and future depend on your good health. Make it priority No. 1.

9. Remember What’s Important – At the end of the journey what will have mattered most will be your relationships – the people you love and those that love you. Make sure they are on your goal list.

10. Make a Difference – What do you want your life’s legacy to be? You have the power to make a positive difference – to a single person, a neighborhood, a community, a nation, the world. Realize that power in 2009.

Spa Breaks 10% Discount in January

Sorry, I don't know how to make the cartoon bigger. The caption says,
"It wasn't any good for spells but it makes a great jacuzzi."

If you like your spa jacuzzi to be more luxurious, send this link to someone who loves you:
http://asj-eurotravel.blogspot.com/2009/01/spa-breaks-to-forget-cold-january.html

London Welcomes 2009 with Fireworks

In case you missed the London 2009 fireworks this new year, watch this video:



Last year I took my two sons to London to see the fireworks and the crowd was so huge that we saw nothing so this year we chose to stay at home in the warm and watch BBC1.

Alcohol Makes You Lean

It’s not bad for you……………………………….



Alcohol does not make you FAT - it makes you LEAN ....
.... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.